What to Say When Someone’s Being Rude on an Airplane

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Including when the guy next to you takes off his shoes.

Tempers often soar sky-high on airplanes—and that’s not just because of the cramped quarters, lack of an escape route, and frequent delays. In the same way that travelers are geographically and culturally diverse, they come from a hodgepodge of etiquette backgrounds, too. “The rules in Manhattan, Kansas, are different than in Manhattan, New York,” says Nick Leighton, who co-hosts the etiquette podcast Were You Raised By Wolves? “We’re all operating from slightly different etiquette playbooks, and we all have slightly different ideas about personal space, volume, and what's acceptable and not acceptable. Combine that with people being sleep-deprived, hungry, cranky, and stressed out, and it’s a recipe for disaster.”

How should you handle an inconsiderate or even unruly fellow passenger? We asked experts to share the best words to use.

No matter what your fellow traveler is doing to annoy you—maybe reclining their seat back so far, you can’t feel your legs—you can use a variety of diplomatic opening lines. One of Leighton’s favorites is apologizing for bothering them, and then segueing into your issue. “With a lot of these things that are happening on an airplane, people are not being malicious,” he says. “They’re not intending to make things unpleasant for you. It helps to come at it with that understanding.”

This is another polite way to call out someone’s inappropriate behavior. It’s not an attack and shouldn’t make them feel defensive. You could also word it like this, Leighton suggests: “I hope you don't mind me mentioning this, but I can see an inappropriate video on your phone, and I'm with my child. Would it be possible to watch something else?”

It’s hard to ask a perfect stranger to do something that will benefit you while potentially disrupting them. That’s why Leighton likes this phrasing or a similar approach: “I understand this is inconvenient, but would it be possible for you to close the window shade?”

When you make a request in such a friendly way, it’s more likely “to be received in the spirit in which it’s intended,” Leighton says. He advises using a non-judgmental, neutral tone, and not pushing the issue. “That’s the best way to prevent things from escalating,” he says. “Because in an airplane, we just don't want things to escalate.”

If your neighbor’s tuna sandwich is really bothering you—are those extra onions?—open your air vent and then try handling the situation with humor. “Maybe the person will get the hint, though that doesn’t mean they’re going to stop eating,” says Jacqueline Whitmore, a former flight attendant who’s now an etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach, a coaching and training company.

If you’re seriously struggling with the noxious odor, it might be best to enlist a crew member’s help, she adds, especially if you’ll be in the air for a while. “I’d get up and discreetly speak to a flight attendant and say, ‘Do you have another seat available?’” she suggests. “‘I’m really having a hard time with the smelly sandwich.’”

Maybe you’re fortunate enough to be sitting next to a friendly passenger. (It could always be much, much worse.) That doesn’t mean you want to spend the duration of the flight making small talk. After some brief banter, tell them it was nice chatting with them, and that you’re going to shift your attention elsewhere—which could mean opening your laptop, taking a nap, or simply zoning out. Ending the conversation is preferable to simply ignoring the other person, Whitmore says. To help ensure she has an easy time pivoting from unwanted conversations, “I always travel with earbuds,” she adds.

One of the most common complaints on flights is that another traveler’s legs or bags are spilling into their neighbor's personal space. “It happens all the time,” Whitmore says. If someone has stuffed their duffel bag in front of them—rather than in the overhead bin, where it should be stowed—she reaches down and says, “Sorry, I’m just going to push your bag over a bit so I have more leg room.” Most people are understanding, she’s found.

When you request something from a stranger on a plane, it’s best to offer a reason, says Rich Henderson, a flight attendant who hosts the podcast Two Guys on a Plane with his husband. That includes not being able to hear the sound of your own podcast or movie over the volume of theirs. “I always feel like giving a reason just really helps people process, like, I'm not just doing this to just shut you down,” he says. “I'm doing this because I'm legitimately having an issue here.” Most people are receptive to that, he adds.

Airplane disputes often occur when one traveler asks another to switch seats in order to be closer to a friend or family member. Often, one of them splurged for an assigned seat, while the other didn’t, and these requests usually don’t land well. “I don't have a lot of empathy for that, because these people paid for their seats,” Henderson says. “We can ask, but there’s no forcing anybody here.”

If you’re on the receiving end of such a request, and you don’t want to move, he suggests handling the situation in a succinct, straightforward way: by telling them you're not able to help. No further explanation is necessary.

Sure, there are perks to a window seat. But if you’re in the aisle? No one cares how many times you pop up to head to the restroom. Otherwise, you run the risk of having to wake up the stranger(s) next to you when nature calls. In those situations, Henderson suggests starting verbally: In a louder-than-usual voice, let your seatmate know you need to get up. “Nobody likes to be touched in a surprising way,” he says. If that doesn’t work, however, it’s OK to say “excuse me” loudly and lightly tap the other person’s shoulder. “That usually does the trick,” he says.

When a passenger is clearly starting to get agitated, Henderson likes to ask them to repeat what they just said. People often speak without thinking, he’s found, and when pressed to say their rude remark again while looking someone in the eyes, they usually won’t repeat it. “They’ll either rephrase it or they'll be like, ‘You know what, it's not that big of a deal,’ because they realize maybe they went too far,” he says.

One of the best things about this line is its versatility: It will work in many situations involving ill-mannered airplane passengers. “If you’re in one of those situations, whether it’s over a seat recliner or an armrest or whatever the case may be, just be like, ‘Hey, say that again—I didn’t hear you,'" he advises. “It works really well to get people to not flip out.”

Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com

https://time.com/7296820/how-to-act-on-an-airplane-etiquette/